moving on?

so.

people said that moving on is something you could have, not something you should have.

it's choice, not a need.

but now, in a needing of :

1. better time to writing

2. going mobile so i could write and post everywhere

and blogspot didn't have support for that, please welcome another new family :

my tumblr. :)

it's mainstream, yeah.

i need no acknowledgement from people that i'm anti-mainstream or i'm what.

people judging me is not the least thing i care about, still not the first though, and no priority.

i think this page won't be as active (as it's already as passive i could :p)

so, see you there!

weakness

selamat datang pada kehidupan yang penuh rasa sakit dan sesal yang amat dalam!

mereka bilang, "with great power comes great responsibility"
but truly, that doesn't meant that "no power, no responsibility"

sama saja seperti ayam dan telurnya, tidak ada yang datang lebih dulu antara kekuatan dan tanggung jawab, semuanya datang pada saat bersamaan.

bertanggung jawablah, maka kekuatan itu akan datang.
jadilah kuat, maka tanggung jawab itu akan menjadi milikmu

ketika dirimu lemah, tanggung jawab tak akan pergi darimu
sebaliknya, ketika tanggung jawabmu lenyap tak berbekas,
kekuatan belum tentu meninggalkanmu menjadi jejak sejarah hidup


dibutuhkan hati yang tegar untuk menerima kenyataan
dibutuhkan pemikiran yang lugas untuk membedakan bagian mana yang kenyataan dan bukan

tapi tidak dibutuhkan sedikitpun alasan untuk duduk terdiam,
dan melepas tanggung jawabmu, selemah apapun juga.

tidak dibutuhkan sedikitpun alasan untuk tetap menunggu kekuatan itu datang,
dan mendapatkan tanggung jawab

berpikirlah, wahai kaum yang pemikir
bersenang-senanglah, wahai kaum yang pecinta kesenangan
sebetulnya perbedaan itu hanya timbul karena kita berusaha menyatukan,
bukan menerima kenyataan dan bertanggungjawab akan segala yang telah terjadi

seberapa menyakitkan
seberapapun menyedihkan
seberapapun itu memalukan

show some mercy, not your pride
show forgiveness, not your weakness

autistneverdie

the day we lost our cause

hello!

there. it's the word i should be shout when i haven't write here for months.

it's months, right?

i don't even have the cause to write anymore

i don't even have the right to own anymore

just a selfish being, here sitting behind his laptop,

bought to him by his loving father, whom until now he only do disappointing him.

just a selfish being, here daydreaming about his future,

brought to him by his loving mother, whom until now he only made her worried.

where am i now?

what am i doing?

wonder what am i doing in this world now,

being a trash

shouldn't we look upon our bright future without forgetting about all the hard work?

it's just a reason, the reason of why i'm running from reality

i even forget,

that day should be the day we lost our cause.

autistneverdie

disappointing

di penghujung 2009 dan awal 2010, saya mengira 2010 ini akan baik-baik saja
tanpa nilai mengecewakan, tanpa nilai e.

dua mata kuliah empat sks bernilai random itu bernama fismat dan fistum.
beberapa hari setelah januari bermekaran, terdengar kabar bahwa nilai keduanya ada di batas aman, c.

namun, ternyata repetisi terjadi lagi. tahun depan -atau semester depan- saya harus mengulang lagi hal yang sama yang saya pelajari tahun lalu

sedih, kecewa.

dua mata kuliah tiga sks yang seharusnya pasti bernilai aman karena efek dosen, ternyata berubah. nilai dua-duanya sungguh tidak disangka, e.

have you ever been disappointed on yourself?
have you ever been disappointed on yourself, twice?
have you ever been disappointed on yourself, twice by the same thing?

been there, done that. twice, though.

it's not even good.
the worst.

autistneverdie

hangover

i just can't sleep,

online won't help me getting any sleepy and just wasting time.

writing. yes, writing.

lately i've been thinking of something productive.

not doing it, yet

maybe this is what people do call "nato"

"no action, think only"

surely, this do no good.

autistneverdie

introspeksi

saya memiliki jurnal-jurnal hidup saya sendiri

dimana dalam jurnal-jurnal tersebut tercatat langkah-langkah yang saya ambil dalam menentukan keputusan

dimana bercerita tentang masa lalu dan harapan akan masa depan

dimana menyatakan fakta saat itu dan kondisi saat ini sangatlah berbeda

mungkin segalanya terencana

namun tidak terjalankan dengan baik

segala perubahan dan kondisional membuat kita lupa akan berbagai hal

apa impian saya?

apa keinginan saya?

apa yang membuat saya berkeinginan seperti itu?

Tuhan adalah satu-satunya yang mengerti dan melihat sejak dulu sampai sekarang

sayang, tampaknya akulah yang sejak dulu hingga sekarang tak pernah mencoba mengerti Tuhan

hanyalah sebuah perkembangan pesat di zaman itu

dan cukup

berhenti sampai di situ karena merasa cukup

cerita-cerita dalam jurnal itu berulang dan berulang

keluh kesah mengenai kisah kehidupan, akademis, cinta, teoritis, praktis,

semua bercampur aduk

apa saya segitu bodohnya hingga tidak belajar dari kesalahan di masa lalu?

atau saya yang memang tidak introspeksi?

apa Tuhan sudah mengizinkan tapi saya memang belum menginginkan?

atau saya sudah menginginkan tapi memang Tuhan belum mengizinkan?

apa gunanya kita melihat ke masa lalu apabila kesalahan terus terulang.

hanya berkata saat ini lebih baik

meskipun hanya sebesar biji zarah baiknya

bukankah lebih baik berkembang stabil dibanding eksponensial namun stagnan di akhir?

atau perkembangan stabil itu pun akan berakhir di titik stagnan yang sama?

perubahan yang terjadi dimulai dari diri sendiri

saya selalu mengajak, ayo mulai dari diri sendiri.

tapi tampaknya saya memulai diri sendiri untuk memperbaiki hal lain dan orang lain

bukan hal mengenai saya, dan diri saya sendiri

apakah saya terlalu egois dalam berpikir untuk orang lain?

atau saya terlalu tidak egois?

atau memang sebenarnya saya egois untuk diri saya sendiri?

jawaban dari pertanyaan seseorang sebetulnya telah ada di diri kita sendiri

kita hanya butuh orang lain untuk meyakinkan bahwasanya itulah kebenaran yang kita pilih

namun cara semua orang selalu berbeda

tapi itulah kebenaran yang saya pilih.

tetapi kebenaran itu belum tentu benar, bahkan bisa saja salah

kebenaran itu belum tentu baik, bisa saja buruk

hanya meyakinkan diri sendiri

membenarkan keyakinan

atau meyakinkan kebenaran

kebenaran siapa?

keyakinan siapa?

autistneverdie

seven sins

there's seven sins, one stronger for each people.

they are

lust

gluttony

greed

sloth

wrath

envy

pride

up until now, i only caught myself onto having pride

which is the main source of the other six sins

i'm having envy as my power to learn

envying for knowledge the others have

the feeling's wrath for no one

but myself, angered

sloth, the weakest point

best of all, worst of all

having greed with no grid

explicit reason behind my mind

gluttony for the food

feast, inside my body, healthy

the last is the lust for something forbidden

the forbidden fruit, and i haven't touch it

i have the pride to envy

to made myself change.

is these sins?

only God, will know.

autistneverdie

losing myself

before i was a wolf, hiding behind skin of rabbit

now i'm only some sheep, carved beside wolves nest

doing nothing beside watching

can't be done something beside watched

i'm imaginable, but i won't imagine too far

not like before, though

but i don't think that's the reason of everything that begans to differ

autistneverdie

wishlist

i think everybody should have a kind of wishlist

err i do think that dreams are important but you kind of only remember some slight of it

but really, wrote something somewhere so we would remember it

right now, what i really wish:

1. 2,75

2. canon 500d or nikon d5000

3. my old w830i *i really need u back*

4. lasagna

well, it happened that i don't have that many things i wish :p

autistneverdie

study

i do learn

i didn't do study

what's the different except for the score?

autistneverdie

capitalism

apapun yang terjadi, takkan pernah ada sebuah surat tanpa huruf kapital

seperti juga sebuah kehidupan dengan perbedaan ketinggian dan besar huruf juga tantangan untuk menulisnya

"goresan sejarah, sepertinya. tanpa dipikirkan lambat laun akan tetap ada"

autistneverdie

opportunity

"tentang apa sih hidup ini?"

sebagian mengatakan takdir

sebagian mengatakan kesempatan

sebagian mengatakan keberuntungan

"kehidupan yang nyata adalah memiliki kemauan untuk menjalani sesuatu, dan mendapatkan kesempatan untuk menjalankannya, apapun hasilnya"

tanpa kesempatan, semua kemauan akan tak berguna

tanpa kemauan, semua kesempatan akan sia-sia belaka

mungkin pepatah mengatakan dimana ada kemauan, disitu ada jalan

maka bukan tidak mungkin penyambung mengatakan dimana ada kesempatan, disitu ada tujuan

"life's the matter of using those opportunities we have, and living it means wanting everything to be gone as we want"

autistneverdie

cannot doing it

dan di saat-saat mau produktif kaya gini, blogspot ga mau bekerjasama

"what the hell lah, mendingan kuliah"

autistneverdie

two thousand and eight

what do you think of 2008, incoming to it's end?

if i must say,

"two thousand and eight is a year about starting everything i haven't. otherwise, it's fake"

resolutions are things everyone having at the start of every year, but as always, not every single resolutions are granted and achieved.

so, what was your resolutions for 2008?

here's my resolutions for 2008, and a slight review for why this and why that:

1. gpa over 3.25 - failed

that time i still don't know what my final scores yet, actually i still believe that i could get a 3, even if it not 3.25. in fact, i only get 2.39 overall

2. get an A for videography's final project - succeed

thanks to the best director ever, ronaldiaz hartantyo. but this ends with him being fired from being a crew of lfm. sad story of the year - that month -

3. physics - succeed

i just like physics and hate math, no matter how i could do it better on math and sucks on physics.

4. have camcorder - failed

somehow me and my father just talked about it these last months of 2008, maybe i'll get it on 2009, but still it's not acquired yet on 2008

5. good and longing relationship with her - failed

we broke up, thanks - and i shouldn't say sorry, should i?

6. holiday, faraway, and being far from technology - succeed

thanks to lfm's photocamp, i was being far from technology. sadly we still be able to bring gadget there, but that was fun!

7. not being thinner than [78 - 5] kgs - succeed

well it's something someone wants me to, so i won't be so thin that looks like a drugs user

okay, maybe that's all, for the resolutions of 2008, what has succeeded and what has failed.
succeeded 4/7 , huh? not bad, but i want to have 1/1 for every single resolutions.
hope i could

and what about the resolutions for 2009?

resolutions for 2009?
there's still 3 days left, for sure i will think about it.

"else than having her as my girlfriend - if could, life partner -"

autistneverdie

different morning

here,
placing my hand on top of her
my hand walk around,
vastly
feeling her beauty for the night
part per part of her,
smoothness
and her soft moans in my ear
lustful


somehow i never knew
that this day would come,
only sins left beside us and regret facing upon us
between you and me
between you and me


now i woke up
morning
stares differently under the sunlight
take a walk back and around
it's just dark inside, just bright outside
wonder how i survived
wonder why i survived

i'm the one who wrong
why she's the one who suffers

autistneverdie